|
Tool Definitions |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
| WEBMAIL | |
| Links to Check Out. | |
 |
Tool Definitions
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful
for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks
you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, splattering it against that
freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then
throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from
fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for
spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to
make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool
commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools
built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms
human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and
the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to
completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool
commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten
times harder than any known drill bit that snaps
neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw
primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into
choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the
maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very
large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately
machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab
the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening
paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable
screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy
produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away
and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were
last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal
surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove
in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too
short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of
war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to
hit. Useful in making gaping holes in walls when
hanging pictures.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab
and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your
lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Computer hardware software adware virus spyware antivirus data recovery backups new used sale service repair upgrade Internet websites hosting design www